it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
