Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
