Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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