It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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