Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
