the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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