One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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