im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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