totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
