We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize