There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
