My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
