I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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