Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
