Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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