Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
