Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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