Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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