If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
