Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
