my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
