Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
