how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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