he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
