I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
