sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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