I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
