i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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