my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize