I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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