forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
