shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
