she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize