if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
