How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
