I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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