is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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