Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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