I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
