Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
