I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
