Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
