i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
