My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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