The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
