Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish I only lived at night.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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