Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
