You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
