I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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