Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
