Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
