I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
