one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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