All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
