If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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