you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
