i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
