my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
