i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
