Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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